When you’re
at a bar, it’s important, for many reasons, to not be a douchebag. Maybe it’s because you want the bartender to
serve you quickly, or to make your drinks extra strong, or maybe even get
yourself a free shot. Maybe you want to
get laid, or even make some new friends.
Whatever your reasons, here are some common douchebag moves that should
be avoided.
-If the
bartender is obviously doing something, like helping another customer, try not
to interrupt. It’s fucking rude, and
disrespectful (not just to the bartender, but to the person he’s trying to
flirt with), and it will pretty much just make the bartender serve you
last. Chances are, the bartender is
aware of you, but he is doing something else and can’t really stop what he’s
doing (like pouring a pitcher or shaking a martini) to make sure you get that
extra scoop of ice you so desperately need.
Yea, if he’s just not paying attention, or talking to a coworker, or
just spacing out like I tend to do, by all means, get his attention—but not
when he’s just doing his job.
-Waving your
money and/or empty drink in the bartenders face is really, really
annoying. If you are standing there with
an empty drink, or money in your hand, logic would dictate that you need a new
drink. Quit acting like you’re on fire,
or literally dying of thirst. I get it,
you need another drink, I’ll be happy to make one for you. Unless you’re trying to sterilize a wound,
there really isn’t any reason for you to be acting that desperate for some
alcohol. Also, if you snap your fingers in
my face, I’ll do it right back to you.
See how you like that shit, asshole.
-Don’t try
to impress people by saying “I know the owner” or bouncer, or bartender, or
anyone, really. Chances are, what you
actually mean is you met them once when you were drunk, they don’t remember
your name, and you certainly aren’t going to get special treatment. No one likes a name dropper, honey,
especially if you’re full of shit. Also,
and I can’t stress this point enough, don’t try to strong-arm your bartender
with that “I know the owner” bullshit. I
think it’s safe to say that the bartender knows the owner better than you
probably do, and I’m sure the owner doesn’t want the bartender giving out free
shit every time one of his friends walks into the bar. Important people don’t have to announce their
importance. Douchebags, on the other
hand, do.
-Don’t hog
the bathroom. If you lock yourself in
the stall with another person, it means you’re either doing drugs or having
sex. Either way, I don’t really care,
just make it quick or you’re going to get yelled at or kicked out. I mean, come on, how long does it really take
to get a BJ, or do a bump of coke? Trust
me, not long. And avoid taking a shit,
too. That’s what you do at home, or at
Starbucks.
-No Ed
Hardy. I just can’t take anyone
seriously who wears that shit. It’s all
shiny and bedazzled and is just so annoying, and it’s usually accompanied by a
horribly overpowering, cheap cologne. You know what looks cooler than Ed
Hardy? Anything else.
