What your drink says about you, Part 1.

There’s an old saying that I once heard, “you are what you eat.”  So, it would stand to reason that you are what you drink, as well.  I hope it’s not entirely true, otherwise I am a giant monster made out of spaghetti and coca-cola.  And last night I was a gelatinous blob of Jose Cuervo.

                When I worked at Starbucks, I could usually tell what a customer was going to order based on their appearance.  14-year old black girls usually got caramel frappucinos with extra whip cream and extra caramel.  Asians usually got green tea lattes.  50-year old skinny white ladies always got non-fat lattes.  And anyone who came in without shoes or reeked of urine usually just wanted water. 

                Now I know, I know, this might be considered “profiling,” or “offensive.”  But I think it should be called “genius” and “hilarious.”  And, as I transitioned from the crazy loons addicted to coffee, to the crazy loons addicted to alcohol, I noticed that there are a few trends with the alcoholics as well.  And so, I started compiling a list.  It’s a “what your drink says about you” list. 

                If you find my thoughts on this matter offensive, well, then you can go suck it. 

                Or have another shot.  It gets better when you’re drunk.  Most things do.

                                        

                Vodka Cranberry—you don’t really like the taste of alcohol, but you like to hang out with the cool kids so you drink this.  Also applies to Rum and Cokes.  Don’t ever order a “cape cod” without a lime, because then you’re being an idiot (bartenders, you know what I’m talking about). 

                Vodka Redbull—you’re probably a youngster who plans on dancing the night away, or you can’t hold your liquor well, so you hope the Redbull will balance you out and keep you going, but it really just makes you act like a crack head.  Or you haven’t discovered the joys of cocaine, and you’re trying to keep up with your friends who go to the bathroom every five minutes and come out with renewed energy and a runny nose.

                Bloody Mary—someone had a little too much to drink last night!  Great way to get rid of a hangover.  Should ONLY be ordered during the morning and/or lunch hours.  If you order it at night, that’s just weird and you’re an asshole for making the bartender make something like that when he’s clearly busy.  You know who you are, bastard. 

                Corona—Mexican.

                Corona and a shot of Tequila—Mexican who can’t speak English. 

                Long Island Iced Tea—maybe it’s your 21^st birthday and you don’t know what is actually in it.  Maybe you’re looking to play catch up with your drunk friends (not a good idea).  Maybe you’re just trying to be cool because that’s the only drink you’ve ever heard of on TV.  Either way, you’re an idiot, you’re going to get FUBAR (fucked up beyond all recognition), and you’re probably going to end up on the street puking (and if you’re a girl, you’ll probably be crying as well). 

                Any drink that is Blue—you’re probably black. 

                Frozen margaritas, or “slushies”—you’re probably black.

                Hennessey—you’re definitely black.

                Gin and Juice—black.

                Gin and Tonic—no one should be ordering this unless they qualify for the senior citizen discount at the movie theater. 

                A beer and a shot—you are a professional drinker, sir.  Good job, welcome to the club. 

                Cosmopolitan—STOP WATCHING SEX AND THE CITY, homo. 

                Sex on the Beach, or any other drink with a fancy name like that—if you don’t know what goes in your drink, don’t order it.  You don’t sound cool when you order a “purple hooter,” you sound like a tool.  And chances are, we’re just going to make up something on the spot and pretend it’s what you ordered, because you’re usually too drunk to notice at that point.

                 Large orders of really sweet, pretty shots—ladies, calm down.  You aren’t hardcore for chugging lemon drops, and I don’t care if it’s a ladies night out on the town.  And don’t order 8 shots and tip 2 dollars.  And when you’re ordering rounds of shots, always ask the bartender if he wants one too, because he probably does—and after dealing with your bachelorette party, he probably needs one.

                Martinis of any kind—you’re probably trying to look way classier than you are.  And if your bartender is as lazy as I am, he’ll probably hate you for making him do all that extra work.

                 

                So there we have the start of my highly scientific, politically correct list.  I hope this is of value to you all. 

                Class dismissed.

Lord, I need a drink.