Why dating in 2011 is nearly impossible if you can't find a wifi hotspot.

           

            It has come to my attention that there is a new addiction running rampant through our community.  In the 80’s it might have been cocaine, in the 90’s crystal meth—but in the year 2011, we face something even worse.  I’ve seen people from all walks of life succumb to it—sometimes it even takes over their lives, making them despondent and uncommunicative.  Even I, your pretentious blogging bartender, dabbles with this.  I’m not proud, but I’ve experimented; after all, I’m a very curious young lad, and everyone else was doing it, so I figured it was ok.  Right?

            Right?

            I’m talking about on-line hookups. 

They are the ultimate demise of all things romantic, mysterious, and spontaneous.  And there are so many different applications to choose from, it’s actually quite ridiculous.  Online, we have Adam4Adam, Manhunt, Connexion, Recon, Craigslist, Men4SexNow, and so forth and so on.  And the different app’s on our lovely smart phones are even worse!  Grinder, Scruff, Radar, Recon, Boyahoy, Jack’d, Qrusher, etc..  I’m sure I’ve missed a few thousand different websites or phone apps, but you get the point. 

Not only are there all of these websites popping up faster than my morning woody, but there are new rules that go along with all this bullshit as well!  There’s a whole new fucking language that you have to learn, if you ever expect to get laid.  NSA, PNP, Party, BB, FF, WS, Top/Bottom/Vers, Anything Goes, Chaser, Wolf, Cub, Bear, Otter, Twink, Sub, Dom, Tina, Masculine, Jock, Fem, the list goes on and on.  When guys list there dick size online, you should just immediately subtract 2 inches.  If they consider themselves a top, but the only picture they have is their asshole, you know you’ve got a secret bottom.  If they don’t have any face pictures, that means that they are either in the closet, or in a sexually unsatisfying relationship and don’t want their boyfriend knowing that they are fucking around on the side.  Sucks for me, because with all my fucking weird tattoos, I think I can come up with maybe one, really awkward pose that doesn’t show any ink or face.

Screw poetry, if you don’t know the proper acronym’s, you aren’t getting laid, not matter how eloquent you may come across in writing.

My personal favorite profiles are the guys who post pictures of themselves 20 years ago, and think they are fooling anyone into believing that’s actually what they still look like.  Or the complete strangers who message you at 2am, wanting you to come over so that you can “cuddle.”  I mean really?  Firstly, who cuddles anymore?  And secondly, you really expect me to believe that I’m going over to your house so that I can just share an intimate snuggle with a stranger?  Bitch, if I go over to your house at 2am, it’s because I want a piece of ass, let’s cut the crap.  What about the guys who spend their entire profile talking about things they don’t want in a guy, and by the end of it, you’re wondering what the hell they actually ARE looking for, and who the fuck actually fits that description.  Oh, and the guys who message you over and over again, day after day, despite the fact that you never respond back.  Come on dude, if I didn’t respond the first time, or the second time, what makes you think I’m going to suddenly change my mind after the 10^th attempt?    

Now like I said, I’ve dabbled.  I have more than one online account, and I’ve joined my fair share of IPhone applications.  Mostly I just like to look at all the pretty pictures.  The idea of hooking up with a random hottie that I’ve never met sounds exciting, but I lack follow-through.  I barely like to take my clothes off in front of a mirror, so getting naked in front of a complete stranger sounds a bit like my own personal version of hell.  And then you expect me to perform sexually?  How fucking awkward.  Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to get drunk at a bar, find someone who looks good in low lighting, and not remember their name in the morning.  And I refuse to do a walk of shame unless I have my trusty companion, the Hangover.  See, I’m a classy lady. 

I certainly don’t judge anyone who indulges in these activities.  Hell, I’m a little jealous.  I wish I could be confident enough to just message someone and say “Hey, wanna fuck?” and then actually do it.  When you’re home alone, and you don’t want to go to a bar to find a good lay, it’s an awesome tool to help you get your next hot hook-up.  Insert PSA promoting safe sex and the proper use of condoms, here. 

So here’s my beef.  Why the fuck do you go to a bar, and spend your entire evening on your phone, looking for hook-ups?  You’re at a fucking bar, get your head out of your lap and look around—everyone is looking for sex, and you can actually TALK to them, IRL (that means in real life).  Did we all forget that before we had IPhones and Blackberries to hook up with strangers, we had this wonderful thing called booze?  You don’t have to check your inbox to see if someone wants to fuck you, you can actually just look across the bar and give someone a wink.  If they come over and start making out with you, it’s a pretty safe sign that they’ve got a message they want to put in your inbox. 

My biggest problem, however, is this:  Guys who go out on a date, and spend their time on their phones, trying to hook up with someone else.  If I go out with one more douchebag who checks his phone every five minutes because he’s getting messages on Grinder, I’m going to swear off men all together.  Let’s get one thing straight, if I’m willing to go on a date with you, then chances are I’m sexually attracted to you, which means I’m pretty much a sure thing.  If we go out, and we have a good time, and I get drunk, we’re probably going to get it on, Marvin Gaye style.  So why are you ruining everything by sending dick pictures to your fuck buddies online?  If I’m on a date with someone, and I go to the bathroom and come back, and find them making out with someone else, you really think I’m going to be like “hey, that’s cool, when you’re done with that let me know, I’m totally still interested and not the least bit offended,”  you’re a fucking idiot.  And when I see you looking at Adam4Adam or Letsfuck.com, it’s kind of the exact same situation.  My interest goes from rock hard and dripping, to flaccid and bored. 

Most of these phone applications have a GPS built into it, so you can actually see approximately how close someone else is.  So when you’re out and about, you can get on your phone and see who’s looking to hook up.  I find this ridiculously hilarious, because if you just paid attention, you’d realize that every person around you is looking for some sexy time, not just the profile that is approximately 357 feet away. 

When you’re at home, alone and bored and horny, then by all means, have all sorts of fun with your cybersex.  But when you are out, among actually people, at a place where people actually meet and hook-up, get off your damn phone and enjoy the moment.  There are tons of one-night stands all around you, you just have to look. 

And make sure you don’t get whiskey-dick.

Lord, I need a drink.