So sometimes, we drink. And when we drink, we get drunk. And when we get drunk, we do some stupid shit. Or rather, we do stupid people. Now I'm not saying that after I have a few beers and shots in me, I turn into a total whore--but I know quite a few of you idiots who do. I mean really, you guys are fucking sluts! Kudos, I suppose, for being so comfortable with your body that you'll let pretty much anyone see your naked body, and then stick it in. Me, I'm one of those guys with body dysmorphic disorder--I think I'm hideous naked, even though I'm fucking skinny as shit. Luckily, I'm too lazy to do anything about it, like stop eating, or throw up, or even worse, exercise.
But enough about my little ass. Let's talk about the horrible mistakes that we've all woken up next to.
Sometimes, you just want a one night stand. No strings attached, no weirdness afterwards, and certainly no cuddling. I'd prefer it if I didn't even know your last name. If I save you in my phone, your last name will be how big your dick was, and what bar I met you at. I have a girlfriend who is exceptionally talented at finding these guys, and I often wish I could be her when I grow up. But alas, I, on the other hand, attract the freaks. It's like my special power (fuck that shit, I want to be able to move things with my mind).
I hate to admit it, but I'm one of many who have woken up next to a guy, and thought "man, he looked a lot better when the lights were off, and I was hammered." You know, when you pretend to be too hungover to fool around, when you're actually hungover just enough to fool around. This is the guy that probably put something in your drink when you went to the bathroom--ok, you know he put something in your drink because you saw him do it, but figured it might be something fun, so you just went with it.
Then you have the teases. The ones who give you blue balls over and over again, but give you just enough to keep you coming back for more. The ones who might give you a hand job in the bathroom at the bar, but just for a second, and then dissappear 10 minutes later, only to text you the next day going "where'd you go, I looked for you everywhere but couldn't find you!" These people are usually bartenders, like myself. I'd suggest going to Trunks, or Mickeys, if you'd like to find really good teases. I even have a few numbers for you, and if you'd like to go home alone and rub one out to Xtube, then I definetly suggest calling them.
Oh, and what about the guys who you have an awesome connection with, and the sex is amazing, and you could really see it turning into something more than a "wham bam thank you ma'am." Then, after a week of really great blowjobs, you find out he's got a boyfriend. But don't worry, it's an "open relationship." Fuck that shit, I don't like to share. Maybe that's why I never had friends growing up. Whatever. But seriously, don't fucking be nice to me and flirt with me if you have a boyfriend. I aint no one's mistress.
Or the guy who flirts with you all night long, and you might have even bought him a drink or two, you know, to impress him and make yourself feel like a big man. And then, when it gets time to get in the cab and do the nasty, he tells you how much he charges. Yea, that's classy. And, knock on wood, this has never happened to me, but I can't tell you how many times a customer has left with a cute boy, only to come back 5 minutes later, red in the face and horrified about the potential STD he almost had.
Oh, oh, oh! And then there's the crackhead! They are awesome. You think they're just really excited about everything, but once you get them home they spend an hour in the bathroom doing crystal meth and cleaning your toilet. And somehow, even though you only left him alone for 2 minutes when you went to go get a glass of water, lube and a condom, he still manages to steal your wallet, passport, cell phone, social security number, and cat.
My personal favorite, however, is the long term relationship guy. This is the guy who, after one night of drunken, sloppy sex, has already picked out his wedding dress. The one who, even though he's only had a handful of conversations with you, has decided that you are "different," or "special." Listen dude, you don't need to flatter me with compliments like that, just buy me a shot and I'm as good as yours. I'm a cheap hoe like that. This is the guy that really confuses me, because I like to think that we've all seen enough Real World, or The Hills, or Jersey Shore, to know that it's never a great idea to confuse one drunken hook up with a first "date." Yes, I know it can work out, I've even seen long term relationships come out of it (and by long term, I mean 3 months, and by relationship, I mean a 3 month drunken bender, followed by a DUI and court ordered AA meetings). But it's a rare and miraculous thing, like Asians with big dicks, or a unicorn.
If I had a nickle for all the guys who've practically proposed to me within one week of meeting me, I'd have a quarter. That's like 5 guys. Y'all need to slow your roll. Don't plan your next trip to Cabo with me in mind. Don't even mention your family to me, and certainly don't mention me to your family. I pay for my own health insurance, please don't offer a domestic partnership so that I can get free dental (side note, if anyone actually ever offered that to me, I'd totally do it). And please, please, PLEASE, don't get all butt hurt when things just don't work out, and you realize the only connection we actually had was an afinity for Jager. I know I'm a great kisser (no seriously, I'm awesome), but put your grandma's wedding ring away, for the love of all things holy. Accept that I used you for my own pleasure, and take comfort in the fact that, undoubtedly, someone will do the exact same thing to me, very soon.
Lord, I need a drink.
Jesse
Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteAmen!