Step away from the homo, girl.

We've all seen them. We've all heard them. And yes, most of us have had one or two. No, I'm not talking about an average to large-sized asian dick (we know those don't exist). I'm talking about the fag hag. Sometimes they are called a fruit fly, or fairy god mother, or Dorothy, but mostly I just call them annoying.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the ladies (in a strictly, lets go get our faces painted on us at the Mac counter kind of way, not the lets go bump uglies kind of way). But all my lady friends have a life outside of the gay community--like, oh I don't know, straight men. And that's something I can get behind, because I like all my friends to be extremely sexual active (if not down right promiscuous), and you can't do that if you're hanging out with a bunch of queens who are terrified of your bleeding vag.

The fag hags come in many shapes and sizes (ok, usually they come in one size--severely overweight.), but after years of training, I have been able to pin point a couple different categories that they fall in.

First, you have the annoying girls who think they can turn their gay best friend straight. Which, on a very basic level, is extremely rude, suggesting that if I try hard enough, I'll actually want to stick my pecker in your hole. Not going to happen, sister from another mister. And trust me, I had a fag hag who loved to make out with me, to "teach me how to kiss better." Bitch, I know how to kiss like a fucking god--you just get wet everytime I do it, and want a little taste of my man nectar. I got your game figured out, girl. I like dick as much as you do, so go find your own and leave mine alone. You will never, ever turn a gay man straight. Just like you can't turn a straight man gay (unless they're really drunk, and then a hole's just a hole, right?) Stick to finding a man that isn't convinced that the vagina actually has teeth.

Next, we have the family member. Now bless your precious little hearts for supporting your gay son, or nephew, or brother. Really, it's awesome that you accept and embrace his sexuality, but here's the problem with going out to get drunk with your family--people act like fucking idiots when they get drunk. And no one wants to do that with their mom. Or worse, no one wants to babysit their mom, when they get drunk and end up throwing up all over the Ramada hotel room that they are staying at (not that that's ever happened to me). Or, you could have a crazy ass family like mine, who will kill a bitch if he so much as glances at me in the wrong way. I spend my night making sure no one dies in the line of fire. It's exhausting. Family, it's awesome to hang out with you, but let's leave the crazy black-out drunk saturday nights to the professionals, ok?

Finally, we have the fat chick. Now before any of you try to eat me, let me explain--most fag hags are fat chicks. Ok, maybe that didn't help my case. But it's true. Seriously, the reason being is that they have such low self-confidence that they think a straight guy will never find them attractive because they're so fat, so they hang around all the homosexuals because they are fulfilling two missing emotional puzzle pieces. One, they are around people who will still call you fabulous, even if you're a fatass. We'll still love you, because we think big boobies and curves are fantastic--plus we don't have to screw you, so we don't care what you look like naked. And secondly, you're still getting your fill of testosterone that I know y'all are craving. You might not be getting a dick up your baby maker like you really want, but you're surrounding yourself with them, which is really the next best thing.

Girl, put down the rainbow flag. Find yourself a nice sports bar, and locate a man who likes a fluffy chick. Try the black guys, they seem to love large women.

There might be more types, but I've used up my daily time I've alloted to thinking about ladies.  And I'm going to a birthday party tonight for, you guessed it, a lady.  So that'll have to do for now. 

Back to thinking about penis. 

Lord, I need a drink.