How to not be a douchebag!

When you’re at a bar, it’s important, for many reasons, to not be a douchebag.  Maybe it’s because you want the bartender to serve you quickly, or to make your drinks extra strong, or maybe even get yourself a free shot.  Maybe you want to get laid, or even make some new friends.  Whatever your reasons, here are some common douchebag moves that should be avoided. 

-If the bartender is obviously doing something, like helping another customer, try not to interrupt.  It’s fucking rude, and disrespectful (not just to the bartender, but to the person he’s trying to flirt with), and it will pretty much just make the bartender serve you last.  Chances are, the bartender is aware of you, but he is doing something else and can’t really stop what he’s doing (like pouring a pitcher or shaking a martini) to make sure you get that extra scoop of ice you so desperately need.  Yea, if he’s just not paying attention, or talking to a coworker, or just spacing out like I tend to do, by all means, get his attention—but not when he’s just doing his job. 

-Waving your money and/or empty drink in the bartenders face is really, really annoying.  If you are standing there with an empty drink, or money in your hand, logic would dictate that you need a new drink.  Quit acting like you’re on fire, or literally dying of thirst.  I get it, you need another drink, I’ll be happy to make one for you.  Unless you’re trying to sterilize a wound, there really isn’t any reason for you to be acting that desperate for some alcohol.  Also, if you snap your fingers in my face, I’ll do it right back to you.  See how you like that shit, asshole. 

-Don’t try to impress people by saying “I know the owner” or bouncer, or bartender, or anyone, really.  Chances are, what you actually mean is you met them once when you were drunk, they don’t remember your name, and you certainly aren’t going to get special treatment.  No one likes a name dropper, honey, especially if you’re full of shit.  Also, and I can’t stress this point enough, don’t try to strong-arm your bartender with that “I know the owner” bullshit.  I think it’s safe to say that the bartender knows the owner better than you probably do, and I’m sure the owner doesn’t want the bartender giving out free shit every time one of his friends walks into the bar.  Important people don’t have to announce their importance.  Douchebags, on the other hand, do.

-Don’t hog the bathroom.  If you lock yourself in the stall with another person, it means you’re either doing drugs or having sex.  Either way, I don’t really care, just make it quick or you’re going to get yelled at or kicked out.  I mean, come on, how long does it really take to get a BJ, or do a bump of coke?  Trust me, not long.  And avoid taking a shit, too.  That’s what you do at home, or at Starbucks. 

-No Ed Hardy.  I just can’t take anyone seriously who wears that shit.  It’s all shiny and bedazzled and is just so annoying, and it’s usually accompanied by a horribly overpowering, cheap cologne.   You know what looks cooler than Ed Hardy?  Anything else.