You got served?

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/opedcolumnists/you_got_served_J0xciA8V4GfJ55VsILSGxL

The New York Post recently posted an open piece (link above) from a delightful young man named Kyle Smith, about how much he apparently hates servers (and good customer service), compares them to servants and dogs, tips them 11%, and has no soul.

This is my response to this wonderful human being.

Hi Kyle, it's Jason! Thanks so much for dining with us! I don't actually care how your day is going, I'm just trying to make the fact that I have to serve assholes like yourself a little more bearable! I'm super duper sorry that I'm overly attentive to your needs, it's just that I'm trying to insure that you'll leave a decent tip after I run my ass off being your bitch for an hour or two. On average, servers make 3-5 dollars an hour in America. Sorry for trying to pay my bills. 

And I'm super duper sorry that you didn't get that second drink immediately after finishing your first one. Sometimes it's confusing when a dick like yourself gives me attitude for being too attentive, and then gives me attitude for being not attentive enough. Oh, and don't forget that I'm probably dealing with 20 other dicks just like yourself at the exact same time--sometimes all you dicks look the same. Tell ya what, Kyle, why don't you just put a shock collar on me, and whenever you need my immediate attention, just give me a little zap. 

I'm also incredibly sorry that I have to use bussers and food runners to help me out. Again, it's a little confusing, because I'm pretty sure you'll bitch if you don't get your food in a reasonable amount of time, and the only way to make that happen is if there's a team working together. It's kind of like being mad at an idiot blogger after I find out that he has an editor. Oh, and don't worry, I'm tipping my team too, so that 11% tip you're leaving me? I won't really see much of that.

Oh, and Kyle, I'm so happy that you get to spend so much time in France, where being a server isn't the same thing as being a slave. You see, they get paid a fair salary, so they don't have to hustle for tips just to survive. If I got paid 20 bucks an hour to serve you your food, I promise you would never compare me to a dog. 

PS, thanks for comparing me to a dog, I really appreciate it. 

Now, listen, I understand you probably have some compassion, because, like being a server, being a writer is so, so hard. Really, there's so few of you out there. And ones with talent, and voice, who have something worthwhile to say? Man, writers like that are a rare breed. Luckily, there are tons of douchebags with little blogs, writing about things they have no business writing about, which sounds like your true calling, so you should be good to go. 

So look forward to serving you again.