In general, the best way to insure a pleasant trip to the bar is to not piss off your bartender. You see, at the bar, we're kind of the boss, so it's usually a good idea not to screw with us too much. The way I see it is like this--you are a guest in my establishment, which means you need to show a little respect and decorum. In return, your gracious host (that would be me) will try to get you very drunk and extremely laid. Would you go to a house party and act like a dick to the host? No. Well, I don't know you, you might. But I wouldn't suggest it, if you want to stay. So here's a few things that you probably shouldn't do, if you don't want to be called a dick.
....Then again, maybe you do want to be a dick. Like I said, we're the boss, and we know it. Sometimes we even have a slightly inflated sense of self worth (aka, we can be cocky little bitches sometimes). I've been served by some hardcore assholes, trust. I'm talking Taylor Swift level of assholiness. On occasion, maybe we need to be knocked off our high (drunk) horses on occasion. Chances are it isn't the best idea in the world, but the same could be said for that last shot of Jack Daniels you just ordered.
And you're still gonna drink it.
"Can you turn the music up?"
Listen honey, I'm sure this is your favorite song, like, EVER, but I have to cater to an entire bar, not just you. And I'm not going to go turn the music up for ONE song, and then turn it down again right after. I'm not the DJ, and if you think I have an attitude, try asking the DJ to turn the music up. Talk about EGO. One time a customer asked the DJ to change the volume a little at my bar, and he turned the music almost completely off for 15 minutes. Perhaps if you stopped screaming every time you got wasted, you might be able to hear the music. Shut yo mouth and open yo ears, gurl.
Dancing on the bar.
This isn't Coyote Ugly, and you're just going to hurt yourself. Knock it off! And you really aren't going to look hot, I promise. No seriously, have you ever seen a drunk fool try to get up on a bar and dance? It's really the most ridiculous thing to watch. I'm usually laughing so hard I can barely catch my breath to tell them to knock it the fuck off. Most of the time, they end up falling before they even get up there, and the rest of the time, they're cut off. Just dance on the floor, that's what it's there for. There's so much of it, and it's really close to your feet already, silly. I don't want your feet so close to my face, swinging around all willy nilly. The bar is for putting YOUR drinks, putting MY tips, and occasionally passing out when the bartender isn't paying attention.
(Also, the bar is not for throwing up on either. The floor works just fine for that as well.)
Helping yourself to my fruit.
Dude, I don't know where your hands have been. Or worse, I do, and I don't want those hands touching my fucking fruit. Especially when you get all up in them, instead of just plucking one off the top. What is wrong with you? Clearly you never played Operation as a kid. Or you just sucked at it.
I wash my hands approximately 300 times a night (which is why my once lovely hands now feel like sand paper and look like my dead grandpa's feet), so I am allowed to touch the fruit. Also, don't just sit there and eat all my damn cherries and olives! This isn't self serve, and you aren't at Home Town Buffet, fatty. Get your grubby paws out of my shit. If you want something, just ask, I'll get it for you. And I wont give you an STD in the process.
"Dude, your coworker cut me off, he's such a dick. Can I get a drink?"
Ok, so I don't know about everyone, but at my bar, my coworkers are my friends and family. Why in the world do you think it's a good idea to talk shit about my fellow bartenders to my face? I promise you, if I have to choose between siding with a drunk douche bag trying to get that last drink in before we call last call, and my coworker, I'm going to side with my coworker. Don't be that guy, because you look super duper desperate, and the only thing you'll get from me is an address to the closest AA meeting. Don't try to go to each bartender working and order a drink, don't try to get your friends to order you a drink, and don't try to steal a drink that you think no one is sipping on, because that's fucking gross (you know who you are).
Again, I don't know how it works at other bars, but at mine, when one bartender cuts you off, you are cut off completely. He's not saying "I'M not going to serve you," he's saying "THE BAR is not going to serve you."
It's also usually followed by "go home."
"Can I get a Beer, and you?"
I hear this at least once a night. Really? I mean, really? That's the best you got for me? It is always, 100% of the time, followed up with "I'm not for sale." And an abrupt change in attitude. I understand that I work at a gay bar, and as such, I'm seen as a sexual object by a lot of people (thanks, by the way, it makes me feel pretty)--but I'm not a hooker. I'm a bartender. I make drinks, and I flirt, and sometimes I will even have sex with someone if I think they are attractive, but that has nothing to do with my profession, just the fact that I'm a horny bastard. But I don't have sex for money. For a lovely dinner, charming smile and witty banter? Absolutely!
I can't tell you how many times people have propositioned me for sex in exchange for money, and I tell them the same thing my bank usually tells me--you can't afford it.
On that note, the best way to flirt with me is to tip really well. I recently had a customer order 4 drinks from me, and then demand that I take off my shirt for him. I politely declined. He then asked me to show him my ass. Again, I declined (not so politely this time). He asked me why, and I pointed to the 50 cent tip he left on the bar.
See, for me, it's not so much about the money, as it is about the respect. Tipping, at it's core, is to say that you appreciate what I do, and the effort that I put in to my job. If you don't respect me, then I'm not going to be very attracted to you. But don't worry, there's TONS of other guys out there who fall for people who don't respect them, just keep tryin!
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