Bar Etiquette

When I go to a bar, a restaurant, a coffee shop, I’m always respectful of the “rules of engagement.”  Everywhere you go, there’s a new set of rules to play by.  There’s a certain etiquette for every establishment.  If you are at one of those fancy restaurants (you know, the ones that have 4 forks and costs a small mortgage to eat there), you stand up straight, wear a jacket, put your napkin in your lap, and always wear underwear.  At a coffee shop, you always put your change in the tip jar, you bring your lap top and look like an important writer, and you never dance to the indie rock music playing, merely bobbing your head on occasion.

                The same goes for when you are at a bar.  Just because your primary goal may be to put something up your nose and not remember who you put your penis in, doesn’t mean you get to ignore the rules of a bar.  But I realize that there might be some people out there who aren’t being disrespectful, they are just stupid.  So I’ve compiled some thoughts on the subject, in hopes of enlightening those that annoy me on a regular basis. 

                We call this “Bar Etiquette.”

                Firstly, let’s talk about your bartender.  You really, REALLY want him to be your friend.  The best way to do that is by tipping, and tipping well.  Don’t ask a bartender to make your drink extra strong, with a flirtatious wink—you think you’re the first person who’s tried to flirt with a bartender?  If you want a strong drink, be nice to the bartender.  I guarantee you, if you tip mister man behind the bar $5 for your first drink, he’s going to remember you when you come back for round two, and he’ll be generous, because of your generousity.  Bartenders like to feel special too, remember.

                And for those who aren’t sure about what is a decent tip, I understand, it can be confusing.  When I go out, I tip $1 a drink, unless I have a large bar tab, and then I tip 20%.  Oh, and if I’m being an annoying drunk, I try to tip more because of the extra energy it takes to deal with me.  Yes, even this bartender has had some not so flattering moments at a bar or 2.  Or 5.   

                Don’t try to be sneaky or smart by asking for “easy ice.”  We get it, you think that if the glass isn’t full of ice, we’ll put more booze in there, and you won’t have to pay for a double.  Well guess what, honey?  We aren’t idiots; we realize this is your goal.  And it’s insulting.  And usually, we just make your drink weaker, just to spite you.  Same goes for saying “my last drink was pretty weak, think you can make this one stronger?”  I don’t go to your job and tell you how it’s supposed to be done, so please don’t presume you can do the same to me.  Respect me, and I shall respect you.  Fairly simple concept.  Oh and by the way, you don’t need a stronger drink.  If you are so desperate and cheap that you have to behave like that, you don’t need more booze, you need rehab.  And I rarely say that (after all, alcoholics pay my rent), so you can understand the seriousness of that statement. 

                If you are at the bar, ordering a drink, once you get your drink, say thank you, tip, and MOVE.  Unless you are sitting at the bar, or not in the way, then stay out of the bartender’s service area.  We love talking to you (it’s my favorite part of the job), but remember, we’re not there to party; we’re there to make money.  So move over and let us make our coins, girl.

                Ladies.  Ladies, ladies, ladies.  Why in the world do you find it necessary to go to the gay bars and make so much noise?  Do you really need to scream every 30 seconds?  Don’t you realize that, as gay men, we aren’t interested in seeing your vaginas and we don’t appreciate a drunk slut the same as a straight man does?  Do you see me going to Red Rock, or Loaded, or Barney’s Beanery, and standing on a bar stool going “HEEEY GIIRL?”  No, you don’t, because I would get my ass kicked.  And I should, because that’s fucking annoying.  So stop being so annoying when you go to the gay bars and maybe you’ll get invited out again. 

                Always, always, ALWAYS have your ID.  And don’t question someone when they ask to see it.  We aren’t being dicks, we are doing our jobs.  I’d rather my bar didn’t get shut down, and if that means you can’t have a glorious night of black outs and STDs, so be it.

                Please don’t bring your backpacks into a bar.  Or your luggage.  Or your dog.  It makes you look homeless.  And while I don’t have a problem with homeless people, they don’t usually tip, and if you aint tipping, I aint serving.   

                Lord, I need a drink.

                Jesse