I was bartending the other night, freshly shaved, in my not-so-vintage acid-washed jeans and silly red converse shoes. The night was going splendidly, no one was having sex in the bathrooms, no one was doing lines of coke in the dark corners. A group of three older men, in their 40s, came and sat down at my bar. Being the bubbly, effervescent person that I am (that was sarcasm, in case you didn’t get that), I happily served them Jack and Coke, Gin and Tonic, and Stoli and Soda. As the liquor started loosening them up, they turned their attention towards me. And, as always, the conversation immediately started with how young I am.
I’m used to this; anyone over the age of 40 seems to be incredibly envious of my youthful appearance. Normally I’m quite good about biting my tongue and endearing the patronizing remarks. But I suppose on this occasion I was feeling a little, shall we say, feisty. When one of them asked me what phrases us kids were using these days to talk about things that are “cool,” I couldn’t help it, I had to say something. I politely told these fine gentlemen that I usually use the terms “cool” or “awesome,” and if I’m feeling really edgy I might say “dope” or “chill.”
I also suggested to them that they might be better off acting their own age instead of trying to behave like someone 20 years younger than them.
I expected them to leave the bar soon after, but surprisingly enough they found my comment funny, not offensive. They stayed until one of them spilled their drink, insulted me, insulted other customers, stumbled drunkenly across the bar into the bathroom, and were subsequently cut off from imbibing any more delicious alcohol. That’s when they got offended, and attempted to storm out in a huff, but that’s hard to do that with any sort of dignity when you’re three sheets to the wind (trust me, I’ve tried).
And while that’s just a normal Tuesday evening for me, the conversation got me to thinking: Why in the world are the homos so obsessed with youth?
Yes, I am young. My skin is wrinkle free, soft and smooth (I’m also a vampire and avoid the sun like the plague). I have a fantastic metabolism, so I can eat whatever I want and not gain a pound. And if I actually gave a damn, I bet I could work out and have one of those cute bodies I see in porn. Oh, and I have a full head of hair. Sounds fantastic, I know.
Or you could look at it like this. I am young. I don’t have any financial security; I certainly don’t have a career. I don’t have any clue what I’m doing with my life, and I barely know how to take care of myself. I still call my mother every other day because I need advice. I still have daddy issues. And while I am usually considered “wise beyond my years,” I certainly don’t have many life experiences to put that wisdom to any sort of use.
What I find particularly pitiful nowadays, are the middle aged men, who are supposed to be full of wisdom and security, running around acting like adolescents. Quit with the damn plastic surgery, it doesn’t make you look younger, it makes you look like an old guy who had plastic surgery. Stop wearing clothes that are only appropriate for a 13 year old girl to wear. Use language that is appropriate for YOU, not for YOUTH. There’s probably a damn good reason you can’t get younger, or stay young forever—the way us young people behave is usually unfit, unhealthy, and unwise.
Personally, I can’t wait to turn 30. I’m tired of being dismissed simply because I look like a child. I would love to have a conversation with someone and have my thoughts be considered valid.
They say that youth is wasted on the young. Frankly, I also think that the wisdom that comes along with age is being wasted on the old. Stop acting like a child, that’s my job. Start acting like someone I would aspire to be
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